Pizza Dinner for the Win (but, not really)...
I wasn’t planning on posting anything today. I figured we would be posting quite a bit over the next few weeks and I didn’t want to overdo anything. But - today was one of those days. It seems ridiculous complaining about anything given what we are headed into tomorrow. But when you have a day….you have a day. One of those days when nothing goes quite the way you planned. We all have those days. All the time. They say its all how you choose to deal with days like today that matter. Not sure I’ve exactly crushed that either.
I had convinced myself over the course of the past few weeks that this was going to be a much different trip for me. Much less stressful. Much less anxiety. No doubts. Fully leaning into it. I got this.
Then…today happened. Maybe it was a carry over from the inaugural Malaria pill last night (they are special, for sure). Maybe it was me skipping my morning run in lieu of getting all the last minute things finished. Maybe it was just flat out denial. Regardless, I found that most of my day was filled with paralyzing anxiety. The “is everything going to be okay while I’m gone” type of anxiety. The “is this the right experience at the right time for PJ” type of anxiety. The “is Lord Fluffy the Chinchilla going to survive the next two weeks” (given that Will announced - during morning drop off, no less - that he wasn’t going near Fluffy while we were gone) type of anxiety. From Macro to Micro….anxiety, and stress and worry.
I pep talked myself through the day. Gave myself a little tough talk…tough love.
Don’t be such a baby.
This is the trip of a lifetime. Quit whining and just enjoy it.
Everything will be fine. Life here goes on without you too, by the way.
By 3pm - I was back in my right mind. No worries. No stress. Crushing it. And then…I picked William up from school. He’s our “tough guy”. No tears. But after he saw me exchanging some goodbye hugs with some of my good friends during pick up, I noticed his output changed. He was quiet in the car. Didn’t have much to say.
We were close to 10 minutes into the car ride to pick up PJ from school when Will looked at me and said: “Mom…please don’t go. I don’t understand why you have to go. It’s too long. I don’t understand why you can’t just stay here.” He wouldn't make eye contact. He just kept staring out the window. If there was such a thing as a “cry off” - we would have been in the battle ring. This would have been the National Championship. William and I. Toe-to-Toe. Both trying as hard as we could not to cry first. It was brutal.
And then…Pizza Gate happened. Gordie understands me in a way that nobody else does. Thats what husbands are supposed to do, right? He called me - as he always does - to check in on his way home from work. He suggested that we go out for a nice family dinner before the trip. Whether it was the tone of my voice or his keen sense of what makes sense versus what feels forced - he offered an alternate plan of ordering pizzas at home and just relaxing. I was sold immediately.
I’m not sure - given all that I described above - that there is a better way to finish off a day filled with so much emotion than what transpired next. Gordie asked PJ and I what we would like to have for dinner that offered a taste of home that we might not be able to enjoy while we were in India. It came down to two distinct options: Taco Bell or Pizza. We opted for pizza from our favorite South Loop “local”.
I feel like - as a general rule - if you are a pizza delivery company you live by three pretty clear rules:
You know how to drive.
You know how to handle money and understand how to compute change.
You don’t deliver the pizzas upside down.
The photo above is a clear example of the violation of Rule #3. Would you believe that not one….not two…but all three of our pizzas were delivered “upside down”. It literally looked like a Pizza Train Wreck. A Jackson Pollack Pizza print. A Pizza Mosh Pit.
Given my emotions today…this might be something that would have sent me into an absolute tailspin. The final nail in the stress coffin. The straw that broke the proverbial anxiety ridden camels back. Whether it was the Bourbon or just a bit of newly found (and long overdue) perspective, it ended up being exactly what I needed to bring me back to reality. Gordie and I laughed our asses off…and then ordered more pizza. Poured another glass of wine. Turned on the Michigan State v. Duke game and then settled in.
And now…here I am. Back to convincing myself to settle in. Lean in. Or…as one of my best college friends told me today: “You need to just relax, let go and let Jesus take the wheel”. So - that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to let Jesus….or anyone else whose interested…take the wheel. I’m going to take a deep breath, I’m going to lean in and I’m going to get on that plane knowing that this is exactly what life has in store for me…and for my Dad…and for PJ.
No regrets.
Living Life.
Loving This Exeprience.
Every. Single. Day.
